Aro-Relationships

I have been digging around in a lot of ace and aro stuff on the internet lately. In part for the powerpoint that I posted a while back, in part so that I have some material to bring to ace club, and in part because I really want to know and try to understand all the different ace and aro perspectives.

One thing that comes up a lot in ace forums and pages is an asexual participating in a sexual relationship for whatever reason (they use sex to connect with their partner, they enjoy the act despite lacking the attraction, etc.). What I haven’t seen a lot of (hardly any, almost none) is an openly aromantic person participating in a romantic relationship. The individuals involved would not necessarily be getting the same things out of the relationship, someone would feel romantically fulfilled by the relationship, and someone else would be platonically fulfilled (that doesn’t seem like quite the right phrase, but hopefully my point gets across).

I don’t see any particular reason why this couldn’t work in the right scenario. Being aromantic means simply lacking romantic attraction. This does not make an individual incapable of love towards another person; it might be a different type of love, but that does not make the feeling invalid or any less than romantic love.  As long as the individuals love and respect each other, it seems like the relationship could work.

Personally, I am very much aromantic. I have never experienced romantic attraction. For me, my ideal relationship is a long term queerplatonic one. (I am currently in a QP relationship, long term just happens to be a bit hard to fathom as we have only known each other for 4 months). But looking at a hypothetical scenario, if I felt strongly connected to someone, and they happened to be romantically attracted to me, I don’t think I would mind compromising in order to make them happy. I am not adverse to a “romantic” relationship, mostly I desire stable relationships in which we share a close bond.

Thoughts? Opinions?  If you are aromantic, would you consider a relationship with an alloromantic? If you are alloromantic, would you consider a relationship with an aromantic?

 

 

 

 

Things I Don’t Tell People

There are some things that I don’t tell anyone, but I want to, so I am putting them here.

Crowd noise stresses me out. When more than a couple people are talking at once, I kinda shut down. I zone out. The noise is overwhelming.
Loud, chaotic situations give me anxiety. I can feel my heart rate and blood pressure go up.
I try and deal with it because several of my friends are loud and crazy by nature, and I don’t want to leave. I wish I could handle it better.

I am really bad at getting close to other people. I have had friends, but I didn’t always feel like I fit in with them. Most of my relationships have lacked any kind of emotional connection. I like being with them, but if for some reason we stopped hanging out, I would feel no better or worse for it.
Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to be with certain people. I wonder if they get tired of having me around. Sometimes I feel like I’m intruding.
That being said, I am so thankful for the friends I have now.

I fixate on the future. This used to be because I always hoped the future would be better. And it is. Now I am afraid to lose what I have.

I am afraid that I will end up alone. I don’t want a romantic relationship, but I want a queerplatonic life partner. Even before figuring out I am aromantic, all I really wanted was a single person that I would know would always be there, no matter what.
I have a friend who I feel closer to than I have to any other person in my life. Our relationship feels stable. She understands me better than anyone else. I have never had this kind of closeness with someone, and I am afraid to lose it. I can’t foresee some great falling out. It is just me looking too far into a future I can’t predict.

I don’t know what I want to do as a career. And I know that I have time to figure this out. The bigger problem is that I jump from obsession to obsession. One day being an orthopedic surgeon sounds like the thing for me, the next maybe forensic anthropology, the next archaeology. There is a common theme, but they are also super specific and require a lot of education. I am afraid that I will go into something and get bored. I want to like my job. To me, that is more important than a big paycheck.

Sometimes my dad demands too much from me. Last quarter I got two As and two Bs. All I heard for him was that I should spend less time with my friends and more time studying. He didn’t believe that I did quite a bit of studying throughout the quarter.
He also expects me to have a job, and doesn’t seem to grasp that there aren’t many options on campus right now. I think I should have a job too, but the constant pressure from him makes me angry.
I just can’t be as perfect as he seems to expect me to be. His priorities for me are different than those I have for myself.

Sometimes I’m sorry that I am not the girly-girl my mom wanted. I don’t wear dresses or make-up. I get a lot of clothing in the men’s section and my hair is cut short. She has told me that she wants grandchildren from me (somehow it’s different from my brothers having children). I don’t want kids, or a spouse. I never plan on getting married.
I am also frustrated that some of these things were expected of me to start with. I hate it when she tells me that I would look cute in a certain dress, or that I should wear just a little make-up. I hate it even more when we are going out somewhere nice and she insists on putting make-up on me and doing my hair. I never understood why I had to but my brothers never did. I sometimes tried to argue, but I never won. Especially if my dad got involved.

I am afraid to say the wrong thing. I choose to stay quiet a lot. If I think I said something wrong I reflect on it for the rest of the day, sometimes longer. I worry that I might have offended someone, or made a fool of myself.

I look to other people to see how I should react to things. Should I laugh? Stay quiet? Should I make some kind of comment? A lot of the time I don’t know. I think I manage okay.

Is it time for bed yet?

I have felt really lethargic all day. I can’t pinpoint any reason in particular, but it probably has something to do with being back home. There is also literally nothing I need to be doing, and no one for me to hang out with. Jordan has been my savior over Facebook messaging.
I got up at 10, and didn’t get out of my pajamas all day. I stayed home, did a little bit of baking, and watched a lot of television. It is 9:30pm right now and I am going to bed. I lack a reason or the motivation to be awake any longer. Good night.

Us, as Humans

Ever think about how weird humans are? We are animals, and have the same basic needs of any other living thing, but the way we go about our existence is so bizarre.

Humans are capable of a lot of beauty. There is so much diversity among cultures. There are different traditions, different art, song, dance, food, language. We have moved beyond what any other species has accomplished in the way that we live. We build houses, wear clothing, express ourselves as unique individuals. We have created technology that lets us communicate and collaborate with anyone at any time. There is nothing that we cannot do.

Humans are also destructive. We cause irreparable damage to the landscape and other species. We cut down forests, dig giant pits into the earth, over hunt, over fish. We release harmful chemicals into the air and into the water. There are so many things we do wrong, and so much that will never recover.

Not only do we damage the environment, we hurt each other. We go to war, people kill each other on the streets. We argue, we oppress, we lie, cheat, steal. There is nothing we won’t do.

And therein lies the problem: There is nothing we cannot do, and there is nothing we won’t do. We so often forget that we a just another species that inhabits the earth. It does not belong to us, we belong to it. I look at the beauty of what humans are capable of, and I am in awe. I look at the destruction and the hate we are capable of and I am sickened by what people do to each other; do to the world around them.

 

If You Can See The Invisible Elephant, Please Describe It

I found this a while ago, and is definitely worth sharing. It is by far the best analogy for asexuality/aromantisism I have come across.

Writing From Factor X

Sam posted a piece last week about the limits of “sexual attraction” as a term, and I’ve been feeling confused and ranty ever since. It’s a good piece, and you should read it, but mostly what it’s done is remind me why I get frustrated a lot by discussions like this.

See, I’m one of those really analytical people who likes to quantify things. I like to have certainty. I like to have operational definitions for my terms so I’m sure what we’re all talking about. I like to be clear about things. Most of all, I like to be fairly sure that I know what we’re talking about when I have conversations.

There is a large part of me that reacts to something that says “well, actually, this term is squishy and imprecise” with flailing and dismay, and then my natural tendency is to start trying to construct better…

View original post 1,275 more words

Essay

I really don’t like essay writing. Well, I don’t like writing essays that I don’t care about. Sometimes I enjoy looking for deeper meanings within stories, or comparing it to real life or other literary works, but what I just finished writing was not that.

We have had a few essays due in my honors class and they are boring. Essentially they are summaries of what we read, with emphasis on details which prove whatever point we are supposed to make.

It feels like busy work. I spent so long doing this today too. Well, I got distracted a lot, but I was typing off and on for close to four hours.

Hopefully I get a better honors professor next term. I register tomorrow at 9, so we will see how that goes. I already will have to wait-list for the anthropology class I want. I am wondering if I am taking on too much. I am planning on taking chemistry, biology, honors, and archaeology. Four classes, 18 credits, and two labs. Technically I can rearrange later, but depending on how popular certain classes are, it might be hard.

90s Kid

The following is from a post found by my friend Jordan. I am uncertain where she found it. There is a lot of truth to it. It kind of hurts.

a 90’s kid? don’t you mean sad adult?

70,000 people have reblogged this but no one is trying to defend themselves

There is nothing to defend

i read a post once that described 90s kids as the generation of nostalgia #because so much technological advancement happened in such a rapid timeframe when we were growing up #that we can clearly remember having technologies that are now obsolete #like going from a corded hugeass phone to a small computer in your pocket just within our formative years is a major thing #and it sparks a nostalgia for our seemingly ‘simpler’ childhoods #because so much rapid development makes it seem like it was a lot longer ago than it actually was

This is the most solid explanation of our decade I have ever heard.

Oh my god

Just to add onto that, our childhood wasn’t even technology based. We grew up knowing chalk, skateboards, jump rope, street hockey, playgrounds, butterfly collecting, etc. Slowly technology took over our lives and now there are hardly kids playing outside in the summer. We can clearly remember our childhood as it was and now we can see the clear line between it. We were the generation right smack in the middle of it all. Our parents were of non-tech and our children/younger siblings will be all tech.

Not to mention, ours was the last generation that grew up with all those bright promises of  “work hard, go to college, and you’ll have a successful life,” only to find those hopes abruptly dashed when the housing bubble burst. Millennials have grown up expecting that disappointment, because for them, the problem has been there since Day One.

So 90s kids aren’t just nostalgic…we’re BITTER. And for those days when we could still think that the world was boundless and full of opportunities we were promised on the first day of kindergarten.

THIS IS BEYOND REAL 

There is a lot of truth in this, and I thought I should share it. It is important to remember the past, and everything it taught us, but it is also important to acknowledge the effect is has on the people who lived it.