Muddled

For the past few days, I have just felt…off. I am not sure why exactly. It might be some combination of homework overload and spending a little too much time up in my own head.

Part of the problem may be that I haven’t found anywhere I can escape to. When the weather was still nice I would spend a couple hours wandering the arboretum alone. Now that it is November, it is a less viable option. I miss having somewhere that I can call mine. My dorm room is fine, but I don’t know, there is something about it that prevents me from calling it home. To be completely honest I feel most comfortable sitting on the floor in Jordan and Sarah’s room. I appreciate quiet company, everyone together is too much sometimes but I am also not really familiar with being completely alone. Growing up, my brothers were always around. I like having people nearby even if no words are exchanged.

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately, though I don’t have a good way to articulate my thoughts right now. I have been so busy, or so brain-dead because of homework that I haven’t been able to sort through everything.

My life feels cluttered. In a lot of ways I am happier than I have ever been in my life, but I find myself sorting through my past, and I am realizing that I have built a lot of walls. Most of them are there to protect myself from pain, but some of them keep me from feeling much of anything. Anger, grief, despair, joy, emotions that just seem muted when I compare what I feel to that of the people around me.

These walls have been there a long time, and I don’t know if I will be able to break them down.  I don’t know how much is simply who I am and how much I have constructed to protect myself.