Aro-Relationships

~ Saavok

I have been digging around in a lot of ace and aro stuff on the internet lately. In part for the powerpoint that I posted a while back, in part so that I have some material to bring to ace club, and in part because I really want to know and try to understand all the different ace and aro perspectives.

One thing that comes up a lot in ace forums and pages is an asexual participating in a sexual relationship for whatever reason (they use sex to connect with their partner, they enjoy the act despite lacking the attraction, etc.). What I haven’t seen a lot of (hardly any, almost none) is an openly aromantic person participating in a romantic relationship. The individuals involved would not necessarily be getting the same things out of the relationship, someone would feel romantically fulfilled by the relationship, and someone else would be platonically fulfilled (that doesn’t seem like quite the right phrase, but hopefully my point gets across).

I don’t see any particular reason why this couldn’t work in the right scenario. Being aromantic means simply lacking romantic attraction. This does not make an individual incapable of love towards another person; it might be a different type of love, but that does not make the feeling invalid or any less than romantic love.  As long as the individuals love and respect each other, it seems like the relationship could work.

Personally, I am very much aromantic. I have never experienced romantic attraction. For me, my ideal relationship is a long term queerplatonic one. (I am currently in a QP relationship, long term just happens to be a bit hard to fathom as we have only known each other for 4 months). But looking at a hypothetical scenario, if I felt strongly connected to someone, and they happened to be romantically attracted to me, I don’t think I would mind compromising in order to make them happy. I am not adverse to a “romantic” relationship, mostly I desire stable relationships in which we share a close bond.

Thoughts? Opinions?  If you are aromantic, would you consider a relationship with an alloromantic? If you are alloromantic, would you consider a relationship with an aromantic?

 

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “Aro-Relationships”

  1. I don’t know. All of my romantic relationships have tended to end badly, in a way that we weren’t even friends afterwards. Granted, all of those were before I figured out I was aro. It might work significantly better if I can be upfront about being aro-ace, and then we would have some idea what sort of stuff we might have to discuss and figure out how to work with that isn’t typical of romantic relationships. Like, e.g. I really hate kissing, so someone saying they needed kissing would be a deal-breaker for me. On the other hand, cuddling is awesome, but it isn’t necessarily an intimate thing to me like it is for some people. I’ll be happy cuddling with just about anyone I know, as long as they are okay with it and aren’t weirded out by cuddling with a friend or aquaintance (I had *such* a good time when my friend group consisted mostly of furries–huggiest people I’ve ever met). But maybe a romantic partner would want that sort of thing to be exclusive? Or maybe they wouldn’t care?

    Anyway, it’s probably mostly just a thing of figuring what each person needs and wants, and figuring out the best way to satisfy that, or figuring out that you’re just not very compatible. But, what do I know? All of my romantic relationships ended badly, and I’ve never even been in a queerplatonic relationship. Mostly, I just know that I have some desire for some sort of relationship that is long-term, and possibly involves living together or being roommates or something.

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  2. I’ve encountered a few mentions of this before (esp. from folk on the more greyromantic side of the spectrum), but I don’t know of many who write about it – I think many people who are in that situation may be hesitant to write about, both because there can be some hostility to romantic relationships from some parts of the aro community, and perhaps more so because they can face accusations of being an evil, manipulative, selfish, terrible partner from everyone else for not “loving” their partner properly.

    As for me, I would be totally open to having a relationship with a romantic person, but I don’t know if that would necessarily make it a romantic relationship? I think in some ways those are two different things. Like, on the one hand, I could definitely see myself forming some kind of queerplatonic or more casual “committed friendly roommates” relationship with a romantic person who might still pursue actual romantic relationships elsewhere, which might be a relationship with a romantic person but not really a romantic relationship. I actually figure the chances of this happening for me are pretty decent, especially considering that I have more romantic than aromantic people in my life.

    On the other hand, I could also see myself in a more traditional style relationship with a romantic person that fits what many people would consider to be a romantic relationship. In terms of practical details, many of the things I want out of a relationship are actually pretty similar to what many romantic people want – companionship, support, resource sharing, socializing, etc. I think the main difference between the way I approach relationship and a more typical romantic relationship is one of motivation and feelings – a romantic person might want a relationship because they like/love a certain person, whereas I might want to find a compatible person because I like a certain type of relationship. But the end result might be fairly similar to viewers on the outside. And if the main difference is motivation, what do you call it when you have partners with different motivations?

    Still, while I’d be open to it in theory, in practical terms I think a “romantic relationship” as an aro with a romantic person would be less likely to work out, because for most romantic people, while being around the person they might love is a big thing, there’s usually also a hope for romantic reciprocation, for I love you’s and confessions and other types of emotional connection that I wouldn’t necessarily be able or willing to provide – and at that point it’s not clear if it’s really a romantic relationship anymore anyway.

    So I guess it would have to be a specific kind of person to make it work, but it’s certainly not something I’m categorically ruling out.

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    1. Thank you for your insight. I hadn’t really thought about the need for romantic reciprocation. I could see how that could be something that people might want/need out of certain relationships. I am uncertain what it would be called when partners have different motivations in a relationship (i’m sure there is one, but my quick google search didn’t come up with anything). I would have to think that a difference of motivation would not be uncommon though. Everyone is different and I find it hard to believe that everyone wants the exact same things out of a relationship.

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      1. Honestly, I don’t think it’s necessarily something that needs a name. I think it’s just a good example of how the difference between “romantic” and “nonromantic” relationships is so fuzzy and personal.

        And yeah, I suspect it’s actually pretty common for people to pursue “romantic” relationships for reasons other than romance – whether it’s for financial reasons, because of children, because of a desire for just general companionship, etc. I think it just gets talked about a bit more in aro spaces perhaps because we often don’t have any romantic feelings in the mix at all, which just makes the other motivations more obvious.

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  3. Pingback: Linkspam for January 18, 2016 – arodynamics
  5. Pingback: Aromantic People in Romantic Relationships | From Fandom to Family: Sharing my many thoughts

  7. I have a whole section on aros in relationships in this linkspam: http://queenieofaces.tumblr.com/post/94657889458/teeny-tiny-linkspam-on-aromanticism
    and here’s a more recent post on the subject: https://alifeunexamined.wordpress.com/2015/12/15/things-i-wish-id-known-about-being-an-aromantic-ace-in-a-relationship/

    Also, for what it’s worth, I’m greyromantic and my girlfriend is wtfromantic. I tend not to talk about it, because aro spaces can be quite hostile toward people in romantic relationships and I already get enough hostility for having a partner of the same gender. I personally know a fair number of aros/greyros/aro spec folks who have wound up in romantic and/or ????romantic???? relationships, but the majority of them don’t talk about it online because, well, the aforementioned hostility. So. That might be why you’re having trouble finding people talking about it.

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    1. Thanks for the links! There are a lot of great insights. I hate that internet communties can be so hostile. Especially within minority groups like the aro spec. Why can’t they just let people live their lives? *sigh*

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  8. One of the first things I did after realizing I was grayromantic was to ask somebody out on a date, for complicated reasons.

    I decided a year or so ago that romantic relationships weren’t really for me and I would be single forever, and I was fine with that because I had two very close friends of over a decade. Over the course of the last year, though, one of those friends basically disappeared into a romantic relationship. When I realized what had happened (pretty much simultaneously with realizing I was grayro), it hit me pretty hard. My other close friend is married so I knew I couldn’t rely on her for all my emotional needs or expect her to always be there for me. I didn’t want to just sink into loneliness, so I decided to reach out.

    Problem: it’s kind of weird to ask casual friends, especially work friends, for a singificant increase in time and commitment, because those things are seen as (1) markers of romantic relationships and (2) requests for romantic relationships. I didn’t want to come across that way by accident, so I went ahead and did it deliberately.

    Luckily the person I asked out has been cool with unusual boundaries and discussions about what we both want. It’s still early yet, but I feel more comfortable and happy than I did in romantic relationships before I realized I was grayro, so I think there’s a good chance this may work in the long run.

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